I've Loved You So Long

I was driving home yesterday afternoon and my head was swimming in the sad French film I had just seen (Kristin Scott Thomas is devastating in it). And after a long train of thought, I spoke the following words out loud:

"Boy, did I fuck up!"

I was more surprised that I had actually said these words aloud than the words themselves. The voices in my head usually stay there, especially when I'm by myself. The movie got me thinking about all of the mistakes I've made in my life and how things could've turned out differently.

Specifically, I kept thinking about what would've happened if I hadn't married my wife. Would I have been happier? Would I have been more successful? What type of woman would I be with today? Where would I be living? Would I have done all of the things that I've always wanted to do? Would I feel any more fulfilled?

All of this foolishness stopped when my phone rang. It was my oldest son.

Going Down Fast

You may have noticed that I've taken a little break from the usual domestic tragedy and have lightened the fuck up. It's been about a week since I last told you anything substantive about my older son and nothing has really changed except that I stopped telling you about it.

The truth is that I was going down fast and needed some type of relief before it swallowed me whole. Some funny person (probably Woody Allen) once said, "Comedy is tragedy plus time." It just gets tricky when you throw in multiplication.

And that's not even factoring in the original equation of how to make you fall in love with me. It hasn't been easy finding the formula for that bat-shit crazy, mysteriously wonderful feeling and perhaps the solution lies less in math and more in chemistry. It's certainly worth a try, although it's not like I haven't been trying.

I've opened up to you like never before. I've shared my most intimate thoughts and feelings. I've shown a certain amount of kindness and intelligence, as well as a decent sense of humor. I've even been on a goddamn diet! So what's the problem?

Who do I have to blow for you to fall in love with me?

Black Friday

For me, "Black Friday" is a Steely Dan song (When Black Friday comes, I'm gonna dig myself a hole, Gonna lay down in it 'til I satisfy my soul). But for most everyone else, it's an excuse to satisfy their soul by laying down what little money they have left on one-day-only bargain crap.

How can I resist? Well, for the most part, I hate to shop. On the few occasions when it's absolutely necessary, I do my thing and am in and out of there in a flash (and that shouldn't be taken as a metaphor for anything else).

I can think of two exceptions. I can spend hours at the Apple Store (I'm usually the one without the piercings). Or a whole day at the mall with you!

We can go into any store you'd like, although I've been known to get antsy in women's shoes (especially Uggs). And I really don't mind if you wanna try stuff on. Hey, there's a Victoria's Secret. You kinda remind me of Heidi Klum a little. I know you gotta have that Twilight T-shirt at Hot Topic. And then let's share one of those cinnamon pretzels that smell so good.

This is so much fun, making believe that we're together. I do it with my wife all of the time.

A Few Sappy Words

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. It starts with Snoopy and ends in the bathroom and other than watching the pathetic Lions, it's pretty much a perfect day. There's also supposed to be a little something about being thankful, which, to be honest, I've often overlooked.

Sure, I got the whole fortunate to have food on the table thing and being with family and friends instead of alone. And someone, probably my father-in-law, would always say a few heartfelt words to that effect and it would stay with me right up until the first forkful of sweet potatoes.

I've since found my own few sappy words. What I've learned this past year is that there's nothing like the fear of loss to make you fully appreciate life, and that's what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that the people who I love the most are still here with me today.

My Favorite Part

My younger son came into my bedroom this morning to discuss something very important.

"Dad," he said, "do you ever watch Dexter? I just downloaded the first season and it's fuckin' awesome!"

"Definitely! The first season's great, but I liked the second one better," I said. "The current one has just been okay."

"Yeah, that's what happens with all of these shows," said the noted TV critic. "You know what my favorite part is?"

"The opening credits," I said.

"How didja know? They're genius!" he gushed. "Now that I've taken all of these video classes, I can see how intricate each shot is."

"When did you become Hitchcock?"

"Who?"

"Nevermind," I said. "Where are you with it?"

"I'm only on like the third or fourth episode and the Ice Truck Killer is leaving Dexter all of those little dolls and his sister was just transferred to Homicide," he explained. "I also love the parts when they flashback to when he was a kid and we get to see how he became who he is."

"Should I tell you what happens?" I teased.

"Only if you want to be a dick," he said.

Where It Goes

I was having a rough time composing my thoughts today. For whatever reason, I got stuck on revising the shit out of everything in my head until I became paralyzed. And for me, there's nothing worse. I knew I'd just have to push through and see where it would go.

Unlike my life, blogging is a piece of cake. Most of the time, I know exactly what I'm gonna write about, although I'm not always so sure where it's gonna go. Like this morning. I was talking to my sister and in the back of my mind thought that I'd write about our conversation. So while she was spilling her guts about her kids, I was scribbling it all down until it hit me that I wasn't really listening to her and how fucked up that was, considering how she listens to my tired bullshit everyday. And I didn't tell her any of that until right now.

Or when I opened iChat earlier and read the following on my older son's Away Message:

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

I didn't know what to make of that, so I IMed him a few minutes ago.

Dude, where did that joke on your Away Msg come from?

hahaha. jenna!

Was funny!

thought so too, reminded me of you!

The Silver Lining

The first thing I saw when I went online this morning was today's forecast -- mostly cloudy -- and, for a change, didn't take it personally. I don't know about you, but I don't know anyone who's having a particularly good time right now. A few of my friends are out of work, a few are dealing with cancer, a few more are (like me) suffering with a troubled teen and we're all royally screwed with the economy from hell. Whoever said misery loves company didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.

I'd give my left nut (and for me, that's saying quite a lot) to hear some good news, from anyone. I was watching the season finale of True Blood last night and some new character named Eggs told Tara (who I'd also give my left nut to), "Sometimes good shit happens too."

Sure, good shit happens on TV (congrats to Vinny for landing the Scorsese flick!), but real life is another story. Just because shit stuff happens to you doesn't necessarily mean that good stuff will follow. If that were the case, I'd be swimming in blowjobs. Life is random; blowjobs even more so.

Being the optimist who you've come to know (and possibly love), however, I'm constantly looking for the silver lining and here it is: things could always be worse.