Show Us Your Twits

Before I became Dr. Woo, I was Evrythingmustgo on Twitter. I grew bored with it pretty quickly (although I loved the haiku-ness of its 140 character limit), and considering that most of my followers were spam bots, it felt like an even bigger waste of time than this has been, presuming that some of you, at least, are real.

That said, I still think you might enjoy the following medley of my Twits (which is really just another way of saying that I couldn't think of anything new to write about today):

Sometimes I wonder if the imaginary voices in my head can feel my phantom chest pains.

There's always laughter right outside of my office.

My older son now wants to go to the University of Amsterdam. Weeds College is his reach school.

Dr. Ruth mistakenly called Facebook "Facelift" on The Today Show. And then she lifted up her skirt and asked, "Who vants to see my space?"

My wife asks a million questions and then gets annoyed at me when I answer each one of them.

I think my older son broke up with his girlfriend. I asked him where she was this weekend and he said, "Not here."

My younger son always seems to be happy, but the "seems" part worries me.

I'm not a big fan of anti-depressants, but I'd consider it if it came in a topical rub.

Topical rub is also a euphemism for masturbating to whoever is in the news.

My wife's been complaining about having a salty taste in her mouth, so I told her that I'm going to kick Mr. Peanut's ass.

Carnac 2.0: "A bong, a condom, a smelly bag from Wendy's." (Rips envelope) "What I found this morning on top of my older son's laptop."

Text message from my wife this morning: If u hav a chance can u pick up milk and half and half ? Thx.

My response: That was the least sexy text message I've ever received.

To which she replied: The milk is for my breast and pussy bath and the cream is for rubbing your hard cock in my hands and mouth!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we've been married for almost 25 years.

I'm pretty sure I have OCD. I'm pretty sure I have. I'm pretty sure I. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty. I'm. I.