Can You Top This?

My kids have never been overachievers. We've always been cool with that because my wife and I aren't exactly such high flyers ourselves. But from time to time, that's put us in an uncomfortable position, particularly when we've been out with some of the more pathologically driven parents in the neighborhood.

Like a few weeks ago, we were at another stupid Bar Mitzvah and the people at our table were talking about their kids like they were breeding champion racehorses. Each one of their perfect clones was in Advanced Placement this and Project Beyond that, had aced the SATs and was busy applying to the finest colleges. It was like they were all playing the deluxe, JAP version of Can You Top This? We just sat there eating our salads.

But things were a little different last night. We were at another stupid meeting of families with white punks on dope and our son was, for once, the most advanced placed of the bunch. He was the only one who had been arrested, the only one who had been hospitalized (twice!) and the only one who had thrown a knife in the house.

After recounting her son's less than dramatic story of drug use (mainly, pot and Xanax), a new mom in the group looked over at us and said, "I know that's nothing compared to what you guys have gone through!" And we just sat there. And didn't even get to eat salad.