What I Didn't Tell Him 2

Yesterday was a good day. My son was placed on probation and if he doesn't fuck up again, will have no criminal record. Our lawyer said that he couldn't have done any better if he was representing his own kid.

When we got home from court, there was a message from the learning center place informing us that my son had been accepted and can start right away. We really had a good day, but all I could think about was the other night, and what I again didn't tell him:

I can't believe you fuckin' got high! You've been home for five fuckin' days! What the fuck were you thinking? You didn't even try to fuckin' hide it! Did you think we wouldn't smell it in your room? Did you just not care?

I can't believe that you'd jeopardize everything that we've all worked so hard for -- yourself included -- just because you needed to smoke! Did the last few weeks mean anything to you? Has nothing sunk in? What about all of those promises you made in the hospital? Was that all bullshit? Did you just say what you thought I wanted to hear so you could get the hell out of there?

You're throwing everything away here! It's all connected to this shit! If you continue to get high, you're not gonna be able to go to this new school and that means that you're not gonna graduate and you're not gonna be able to go to college. And if, no not if, you got rid of the if . . . WHEN you test positive for pot, that means that you've broken probation and the court can throw you into rehab or into jail! Didn't you hear what the judge said? Do you wanna go to fuckin' jail? You watched Oz, you know what fuckin' happens in there! And what about what the doctors said in the hospital? That pot fucks with the meds and makes them useless? Are you hearing what anyone is saying to you?

I keep telling you everything can be fixed, but the big secret is that you're the only one who can fix it! Not me. Not Mom.YOU! It's all up to you! I can't make you, Mom can't make you, the drug place can't make you. You have to want to do it! This is your fuckin' life. It can be a great one, you can have it all! You're so fuckin' smart, you can be a success at anything you put your mind to! Or it can all go the other way and I can tell you that the other way is fuckin' painful and yes, it'll hurt me to watch you go through all of that horrible shit, but it's going to hurt you even more. And you know that I don't want to see that happen, but it's not in my hands anymore. It's all up to you!