Mysterious Ways

I know things are bad when I start asking God for help. I've also been asking my dead mom and Clarence the Angel from It's a Wonderful Life. The closest thing I've gotten to a response has been an email from someone named Angel who asked me if I wanted to communicate by email, Skype or real dates (yes!) and then if I was interested in penis enlargement (God, yes!!).

Now my idea of God has always been the Terry Gilliam animation in Holy Grail, so I've always pictured Him with a twisted sense of humor, which may explain why he's ignoring me now. Or maybe it's because I've frequently ignored Him. God's such a baby!

In truth, the only times I've ever reached out to Him is when I've been in dire straits, but I guess you can be in other bands, too. I'm probably better off praying to Bono! And God called the light day and gave us all sunglasses! Anyway you slice it, this "mysterious ways" bullshit has really got to stop . . . unless it involves two hot women kissing.

I've often heard that God helps those who help themselves, but that just sounded like Him being lazy. If I could help myself, why would I need His help? Hello? And what's up with Him being in the details? I never understood what the hell that meant, especially since the same thing goes for the devil. The only thing that any of us can really be certain of is that Keanu Reeves is on this month's cover.