Bad Vibes

Sometimes I can see it coming, sometimes not so much. Like last night. I was feeling okay, almost a little too okay, when the dread crept back in. It's strange because things have been kinda quiet these past few days. Maybe that was the reason, and if so, that's really depressing because there's gotta be a difference between the quiet and the storm.

The anxiety started off in my chest and emanated throughout my body until I was consumed in bad vibes. I was watching Criminal Minds and it was annoying the shit out of me (and it wasn't just because Jason Alexander was the guest psycho). During a commercial, my older son popped his head in to say that he was taking his meds earlier than usual because he was going back to school tomorrow and, I don't know, I just started thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. What if he hates this place? What if the teachers bug him? What if the bus ride makes him sick?

My mind was racing with "what ifs?" and every time I heard his door open last night, it sent me round the bend. What's he doing now? Why is he still awake? Aren't the meds supposed to knock him out? Why does he keep going to the bathroom? Why is he pissing so much? Why I am thinking about him pissing? What the hell is wrong with me?

Believe it or not, this was after I had taken an Ambien! I finally turned on a portable fan, hoping that the white noise would eventually overpower the dark voices in my head. I lay there freezing until I fell asleep.